Candy Corn

Well, Happy Fall-tivities everyone! We are approaching the treasured “Fall Solstice” (Yes, I am aware that there is a fall equinox which was Sept. 22.) I am referring to the fall solstice, where we will dress up as our best Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze and other celebrity zombies, or skimpy harlot versions of our favorite childhood cartoon characters. That’s right folks, I’m referring to HALLOWEEN!

But I would like to address something different today; the oddity that is Candy Corn. This season, whether you absolutely love it or your teeth shake with fear and your stomach rises, you must and will face, if you haven’t already, the waxy icon that shimmers white, orange and yellow.

There is really little actually known about the this candy. The main facts are that they were made by some dude 120 years ago. He was also probably the first person to die from diabetes. A victim of his own candied creation.

…OR that’s what they’ll tell you! Legend tells that this man stole the recipe from Native American witch doctors that would use Candy Corn to raise dogs and cats from the dead in order to protect their people from rodents with the hantavirus.

They called it “Canoco Maize,” which in navajo means “pointy corn that is striped.”

They would also use them as an alternative to arrowheads to give their enemies instant diabetes in battle.

After the recipe was stole by the white man, witch doctors cursed white men to generations of obesity and cavities. And here we are today!

There are three parts to the Candy Corn

  • The Corn - the brain or crown of the candy. It is the source of all it’s savory power

  • The Candy Center - where are all the sugar neutrons are stored

  • The Tip - the window into the candy’s true colors (which is a glazed slightly transparent white)


Now there are many many ways to eat candy corn, with different results as well. I took it upon myself to test every possible scenario of candy corn eating and binging. 
(And trust me, it only took me about 7 pieces until I wanted to chug down a bottle of pepto mixed with mouthwash and baking soda.)

These were the results of the test:


As you can see there more that 33 possible scenarios, mutiplied over and over by stomach-aching repetition.

So that’s Candy Corn for you. And it doesn’t matter how many times you let burned, you’ll do it all over again this time ever year.

Happy Candy Corning to you!

Michael J Sanders