Fortify My Ride!

I hate traffic. Especially my during my commute. DC traffic is the worst. I have to make a giant question-mark-shaped route just to be at work in less than a hour. I spend around $50 a week to fill up my gluttonous Jeep. Everyday it’s the same similar battle; Being stuck behind that fat cow on her phone in her PT Cruiser, who won’t merge.

“Why is this Lexus tailing me at 80 in the right lane?…go ahead pass!..figures Maryland plates!”

“Oh by all means Come on over into my lane, I wasn’t going to speed up anyway. In fact I was really waiting for you to come right in front of me because I really wanted descend into a nice 50 mile an hour pace, thanks!”

“Ooooo Look Everyone! A circus truck full of monkeys has flipped on it’s side! And the monkeys are loose all over the interstate and are throwing poo at all the cars! Let’s all slow down to a 15 mile an hour pace so we can rubber neck at those cute chimpos!

Traffic is War, my friends. That is why I am now making the necessary steps to turn my Jeep into Commuting War Machine! (Basically by turning my Jeep into a life size GI Joe vehicle!) And in no sense am I "Pimping” out my “ride”. That’s what thug teenagers do to their Acuras a month before they get it impounded or wrap it around a tree. I am “Fortifying” my “vehicle!”

Below is the basic blueprints of this fine machine, with in depth descriptions of all it’s standard features:


Stripes - The only thing on my Jeep that doesn’t really have a function. I just like stripes and it punches well of the green. So sue me.

  1. Caged Windshield - Nothing says “I’m ready for virtually anything you throw at me!” like a caged-in window. It also helps support weight, and has a defrost function.

  2. Super Omega Delta Nitro Boosters - Because the flames are SO “boss!”

  3. Skull Grill Ornament - So the fat lady in the PT Cruiser knows that I mean business.

  4. Satellite - This state of the art dish will be able to pick up police scanners, emergency signals, sonar, virtually clear CB radio channels for miles, XM radio and HBO OnDemand for guess in the back.

  5. Quad Missile Launcher - I really don’t see any immediate use for this yet, but it looks so bad A, and it will come in handy if there’s a need to clear any rubble barricades or fallen trees.

  6. Spinning Wheel Spikes -Like the mighty Ben-Hur, these will come in great use when someone tries whip around and pass the Jeep quickly. Think again.

  7. Mini Torpedo Silo - If ever the chance the vehicle is partially submerged in water, torpedoes will be a valuable asset to clear hostile logs in the waters (ei. If the Potomac happens to flood in my commute.)

  8. Duel Grappling Hooks - In times where one doesn’t feel like stop-and-go driving, this feature will make it possible for a “free ride” or tow.

  9. Gatling Gun - Don’t worry I’ll get the permit for it…jeez!

  10. The Unforgiving Diarrhea Gun - (My favorite feature) This state of the art tool shoots a small laser that liquefied people’s bowels, and 20 to 30 minutes later…well, you get the jest of it.

  11. Mechanical Scorpion Tail - The Savage hammer of Tutankhamun is nothing to take lightly. But hopefully the big novelty boxing glove at the end will make it’s strike a little “less” extremely deadly.

  12. Wings - Ahhh yes. When traffic is at an incredible cease, nothing is greater than the option to escape into the skies on a seconds notice.

  13. Moving Text Display - I means to communicate with other drivers on the road (or to talk trash.) The display can also relay messages backwards for drivers to read though rear-view mirrors (ei. “If you could so kindly move into the right lane, so I may pass, that would be great. Thank You:) ”

A few other interior features include: 6 disc CD changer, power adapter, beaded seat covers, CB Radio, adjustable cup holders, emergency road kit, TV/VCR, Blankets and a mini-fridge filled with Arizona Iced Tea.

Now, all I have to do is find that number of that one Lockheed Martin guy I kind of know, for a estimate. But for now…


Michael J Sanders